Beginnings

I've always loved beginnings with what they hold of potential, experiences and simply novel challenges. I love beginnings almost as much as I hate endings, especially that the latter is usually accompanied by my assessment of the situation and my performance in it. In addition, being the closure-seeking person that I am, an ending can very much mean the abrupt disconnection of all aspects related to such situation, including innocent bystanders, good memories and sweet achievements.
I find it utterly difficult to asses something as a "failure" and at the same time savour the lessons learnt, opportunities lost and the wise outcome that makes me a more mature person.

And yet, with every new beginning, a feeling of uneasiness is aroused in me and I wonder whether this beginning will be of a successful ending or not. I was advised to just "have fun and do my best" and I actually find this to be the best piece of advice I've received in a while. It maybe so because it was uttered by someone whom I consider to be successful and who doesn't know me very well, but sees herself in me, her raw unpolished self.

During this time of my life I am trying to be optimistic, less neurotic and worry-free (or just worry less), but try as I might I still have this "I am going to vomit" feeling before every new experience and every new situation. I still question my thoughts and reactions, argue with myself about what should have been done and lament over lost opportunities. I'm improving, but it's taking quite some time and a lot of effort that includes at many times shutting my mind up.