It has been a rather dull morning so far. I fed my cat and then he laid across the coffee table, as I pretended to watch "Nigella" on Fatafeat; I don't have a clue why, but I always find this lady relaxing. I guess she represents something familiar, I mean she does have the same coloring as my mother, what would Freud say? Probably something that would make me punch him in the stomach.
Seconds later, A pigeon starts cooing at the small balcony, my cat leaps over the table and situates himself behind the sofa, so that he can see the pigeon but she/he/it (choose whatever swings your bat.*wink at dee*) can't see him.
I have this vague,but oddly familiar feeling of optimism, the rare kind that I used to get when I was at college. There are certain things that I remember that others may not; these things are usually details of something that have no importance whatsoever. For instance I remember a part in the TV series "Felicity" (wayyyy back) when she was talking about this hint of optimism, and I remember it because I always get this when I am tense. A strange and odd thought that gets mixed in with an emotion, resulting in an illogical conclusion, but which makes me really content.
Yesterday, I realized that through my short, but rather eventful life I have never been capable of certain emotions, such as excitment and sheer happiness. I would understand why I haven't experienced sheer happiness, because to me it's an illusion, but why haven't I ever been excited about anything? I don't know. I am always tense or nervous or apprehensive, but never excited, maybe because I know that nothing stays the same and eventually everything will fade away.
I am quite envious of people (in addition to my cat) who do experience this emotion, because they often seem elated.
I always admit to any wrong I have done, or I try to, but sometimes I feel that this level of honesty makes me seem naive and I have to admit that sometimes I am. I don't understand schemes or gossip, I also don't notice people or the stuff they're wearing or how they look. More often than not, someone would tell me "Didn't you see this person?She/He just passed by." I look straight ahead while I am walking and I don't try to look at people, except when I am talking to them. Even then, I don't notice anything. I would like to believe that I notice people's souls before their faces, but I don't think I am that lucky.
My sister says that I drive like Cameron Diaz in "My best friend's wedding" and I think she maybe right. I mean I am not the world's greatest driver, I don't care about the car very much (although I love it and have a nickname for it and everything and I wouldn't change it for the world) and I am often reckless. My mother says that I drive well, but that I am a bit impulsive and that when rides with me she feels that the car is moving on its own.
Yesterday, a coworker rode with me in the car, granted I was really reckless, but boys aren't as brave as they pretend to be. Granted, I took a major steep S curve around an incoming metro, but still. All through that, I haven't for one second felt afraid or even tense. Actually I laughed at his expression, I mean the guy probably saw his life passing before him, flashes of the past and the future that would have been. In addition to that, other coworkers were in other cars behind me, so my reckless behavior has now been spread across the people I work with. Do I care? I don't know, but let them think what they want to.
The thought that frightens me most is that I didn't care, or is it foolish thinking? I mean I put my life and others in danger and I didn't care. What is wrong with me? The fact of the matter is the metro was coming from the left (my side), I would have died first and I think this is why I took the curve. If it was coming from the right, I think I would have hesitated, because it's the other person's side.
My mind is a constant whirlpool of incoherence, a thought drags another thought which drags another one and so on until I get a major headache.