Wednesday, October 08, 2008

That which can not be named

We fear that which we don't understand, that's why I try to comprehend the things I fear. I have to admit that my compulsiveness towards my fears have decreased, and I am talking phobias, not none-materialistic fears. I can honestly say that I am more in control of these things that I shall not state, I am taking baby steps towards more autonomy of those things that hold me back and I've already seen positive results. Their shadows will always loom in the background of my life, but whether these shadows will control me is the thing the matters to me the most. I don't mind their presence as it reminds me of being human and gives me the prerogative of being one of the people.

I have to be honest with myself and I have to admit, that sometimes I think that being vulnerable is so much easier, that it's OK and accepted. Yet, I never really accepted the concept of easier; If you don't work hard and become weary, things often slip away easily. I'd rather be tired and weary now, shunned and frowned upon at this instant in time, if it will guarantee me the satisfaction of triumph and comfort later in my life. I like being tough, but I know that it's not all that I can be, I fear the other side of the equation and I hope that it fears me. Yes, I can be weak, but I just don't want to, because it's so demeaning and expected.
Once after a fearful confrontation in the street that involved me trying to escape(while driving) a raging lunatic (I was triumphant as I made him almost crash twice and he couldn't get ahead of me although he had a much better car), I told my Dad that even though I was smart and a great driver in this situation, I still had the jitters and that my legs kept shaking. I told him that I wish I can eliminate these effects once and for all. I told him I want to stare in the eyes of the scariest human being and feel nothing and my dad being the great guy he is, told me that I can, but I will need training.
That brings me to another thing my dad told me; he once (during a conversation that involved work and how a woman in portrayed in the workplace) said that I am not like other girls and that I can't do the sneaky things girls do. My dad has strange confidence in my abilities that I have never had in myself and although it's very empowering, it's also very scary, because I don't want to disappoint him, but at the same time I want to be my own person. The things that my father tell me are very valuable and important, they are words that I always cherish, but somehow when he told me these words, I felt really alone, like the last (wo)man standing and excluded. It also came on a day when I was frustrated with myself and confused about my role in life; these sentences were uttered in total honesty and they both helped me and made me realize the truth.

I am a human being after all, I have insecurities, fears and weaknesses along with my strengths, determination and utter belief in my abilities. I think and feel just like anybody else, but the whole difference is that I control my responses and actions, just as I control my emotions and thoughts. I try to control my environment as much as I can and at many times I am successful. I am a control freak and at the same time I am a chaotic genius. I am the extremes of humanity all in one strange package. So, deal with it.

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