Friday, November 28, 2008

The day

As I sit here contemplating the events of the prior day; those same events that wore me down so much that I had to turn in at an early hour, the dogs come running and one of them jumps on my laptop. I thank God it's not an expensive one and I shoosh the dog away, she responds by sitting on the floor and covering her eyes with her paws, while giving me a look of guilt that might have affected me if I were a different person.
I realize if I were a different person, I might not have been here at all, with a dog trying to make me feel guilty. My parents say that I am an intelligent person, but lately I have started to doubt that. In fact, I have started to doubt many things about myself and when I look around me I don't see people that are as confused as yours truly. Others have consistent personalities that just go a long way and remain the same, others are calculating, intellectual and yet greatly discrete. Others have the ability to let people know, that this is who I am.
I stand there in front of a bunch of people as they explain to me why my lie didn't go through, one of them says "it's not your personality" and I stop myself from asking him "and what is my personality?". I have no clue who I am or what I am supposed to be and yet people seem to think that they do.
A wise person that I know has once told me that I should know myself very well first and then portray the things that I want people to know about me and refrain other things. She said nobody should know me better than myself and no one should have the nerve to even guess. I realized yesterday, that in this particular quest, I utterly failed.

The dogs are still in their dormant state, their bodies elevate and descent with every slow sleepy breath of utter bliss. The air is cold, which makes me breathe out a white cloud of CO2, to join the clearly unpolluted atmosphere. Yes, I have escaped from the city, after convincing my family that I need a change of scenery, I followed them to a place of extreme serenity after work. As I haven't been there for quite some time, I realize all the things that have changed; how much the dogs have grown, the new structures that have been built and I wonder whether anything is worth the pain.

The feeling of disappointment have been replaced by utter void that have left my brain and now is circling my senses. Although it's not the greatest feeling, I am grateful that my brain has been set free, true that it's not in it's usual strength yet, but I believe that it is getting stronger.

2 comments:

marooned84 said...

I noticed the clearance of the void thing even before I reach the last paragraph, so I'm happy for it. I'm happy u started to ask questions and ponder them too. You see, I think there are people who are true to themselves (to some extent) and who want to make progress, and there are those who are living their lives for other things. Sometimes those who don't think much go far, but if they were on the wrong track they end up at a deadend and they can't even go back, trapped till the end. It's better to take things to your hands even if it makes me weary with thinking, and I always respect those who do, because even if they were lost from time to time, they have the capacity to turn back and review their options.

I really hope I'm one of those who ponder, and I think u're one of them and I respect you.

Cesario said...

I'd rather hate myself due to over-thinking and pondering than hate it due to the inability to devise one single thought.

I don't know how I earned your respect, but thanks :D

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