You Don't Like Babies?

I often get this:

*cute baby passing by/ cute baby on TV/ cute baby being mentioned*
Someone: Aww, look, isn't that cute?
Me: Huh. What? Oh, no. I don't like babies.
Someone: You don't like babies??? *the loudest gasp in the history of humanity*

Yes, I do not like babies. In fact, I do not like children in any size, age or form. I find them irritating and their general lack of knowledge annoying. They are tiny human beings who can't do anything for themselves and are liabilities as they need money, protection and a whole other care system.

If you are a logical being, who does not let their uterus/penis define them, you would feel the same way.

So, here are a few reasons why I do not like babies (including general reasons and why not to have a baby reasons):

  1. Babies puke, vomit and poop uncontrollably. 
  2. They look creepy especially the ones with blue eyes (Evidence: the creepiest horror movies usually contain children if not the child being the leading evil character).
  3. They stare, and I mean the kind of staring that is so totally scary and they usually drool while they stare, which makes it even scarier.
  4. They stink, and I mean barf-inducing kind of stink. You know that stupid baby smell people rave about in commercials and TV? Well, that's is the smell of puke, poop and drool when wiped out by baby wipes. Think about this next time you take a whiff.
  5. When you hold them, they have a jelly bean-like texture.
  6. Their brains are like clay, you can reshape it (EWWWWWW!)
  7. They make awful noises, and they also drool while they make those awful noises.
  8. The army used a baby as a way to hypnotize the public into being docile AND IT WORKED. See? babies are evil. See photo here:
  9. They are expensive. (In this economy, who can afford a baby?Don't only think of the diapers, think of the schools and then colleges and living expenses and gadgets and OH MY GOD!---> Bankrupt)
  10. You have to be a stable person for the child to be a stable person (Tough Luck!)
  11. You are responsible for them until you die (hello forever weighing me down anchor)
  12. They come with attachments---> Grandparents, Husbands,Family of Husband, etc... (everyone wants to be a part of the baby's life)
  13. There is no guarantee that this child will turn out a good child even if you do your best. We all know cases of kids turning out rotten while their parents are as sweet as angels.
  14. There is no guarantee that said child will keep you company in old age (and also this is a very selfish reason to bring a person into the world).
  15. They might turn out just like YOU *evil smile while you realize just how horrible that is*
These are the reasons I can think of right now, but I am sure there are more. 


alteaon said…
This warms my heart. I feel the same way! There's just nothing about babies/kids that appeals to me.
Orphan commercials? Meh.
Animals in destress? Oh no! I'm in tears.
But I totally get what you're saying. I also think babies can sense fear or something. When I'm forced to hold a kid it can tell right away I'm not diggin' it.
I still don't get why people _want_us to hold their kids when they know we aren't meant for it. As if it'd change our minds As if!
Mary Mo said…
I feel the same way! I actually don't think babies are "cute." There are a few I've seen where I'm thinking "okay, I will admit that you are a good-looking baby," but I hate seeing pictures of my friends' babies with their alien faces and buggy eyes. Most of their babies are just...ugly. Yes, I said it. I'm a monster. Babies are mostly ugly. :P

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