Sunday, September 27, 2009

The lucky one

She was usually fairly friendly, easy to talk to and nice, but not today. She has waken up with the worst memory ever and the day's events keep pushing her towards thoughts, memories and feelings she wants to push back. And so, if you meet her today, your first impression would be that of an aggressive, unfriendly mess of a human being, and no body would really blame you, not even her.
It should have been an extraordinary day, she was in fact going to tick one thing off her long unwinding bucket list, and it wasn't a tiny item that she happened to do, but rather a substantial to-do that required months of planning, some hefty sum of money and a whole lot of daydreaming and pleading. Not to mention the amount of effort that went into doing all that, it was of tremendous thinking,calculating and decision making, and for the first time in her life it was up to her to do all that; she was for the first time in a long time her own boss, something she have been looking forward to for a long time.
Today, in her own mind, should have been a glorious day of fulfillment and self-assertion, a reaffirmation of her independence and a celebration of her late introduction into adulthood. She thought that this day would bring her incredible peace of mind and an appreciation of life, but alas it hasn't, and although everything has run according to plan, she still felt the pain of her existence and the trouble of her mind.
The possibility of this day not happening was great, in fact she just made it to the bus station in time, a second or so before the bus left. And as she went on the bus, the driver smiled and said "you're a lucky one, aren't ya?" and in her mind she thought that if he knew that which pained her, he would have uttered these words in cynicism rather than his cheerful upbeat manner.
The trip was long and it went in a loop, ending where it started and it reminded her of her mind and how nowadays it seems to always go in frivolous loops, that only tire and weaken her resolve, while offering no relief for her weary soul. The driver/tour guide was joking and jesting all the way through, and in its own tiny way it offered some comfort and distraction to her troubled mind. Yet in another way, it reminded her of what she lacked; a cheerful spirit.

The boat ride seemed to calm her down a bit, and it was the raging wind of the lake and the freezing weather that reminded her of her feeble state and she realized that she was being unfair to her relentless self; because by surrendering to her melancholy state she was admitting defeat, and the lake reminded her that she was neither feeble, failed or defeated, but rather the opposite. Indeed, she was a winner; and although there was no real prize to claim, her reward was that of trial and experience. She has delved into the most wild and untamed part within her; her virgin heart, where she engraved a small x at the edge of it. Yet, the truly amazing achievement is that it was her head which prevailed, reluctantly, but decisively.

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