Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Acceptance is hard

Right now, right this very moment, I can accuse myself of so many annoying, vicious things; I can claim that I am a coward, because there's fear within my heart; fear of the unknown, of the things that will not happens and others that will happen, fear of others, fear of my own self and actions, fear of repetition, fear of boredom,and so on. I can claim that I never keep a promise to myself, that I cave in for anyone and I never really truly take a stand. I can claim that I am fake and a fraud; claiming to be something when you know that you're a completely different other. I can claim that I am a mundane, predictable disgusting human being who claims to be different, when she's just another face in the crowd.

I can curse my ability to morph into roles I don't want, to say and do things that I am not completely 100% convinced with it. I can curse my adaptability and claim that it is the reason behind my lost identity. I can curse my decisiveness because it causes me so many problems and it never helps me. I can curse my loyalty, because it gives a false sense of hope. I can curse my modesty, because I can never really own something and I never want to either. I can curse my indifference, because it never allows me to care long enough. I can curse my pride, because it allows me so many unwanted exits. I can curse my ego, because it takes months to mend it back into shape and it always wants stupid things. I can curse my stillness, because it makes me seem like I don't give a damn when I do and that I give a damn when I don't.

I can curse all these things, but then there wouldn't be anything left of me.

2 comments:

marooned84 said...

Yes, you're right. You're lucky to know it all, though not knowing will make life much easier. It's a blessing and a curse.

alshaimaa said...

So that's why you hate virgos?? because they're their own worst critics!

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