Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I am in the funk *WARNING this post might contain incoherent ideas*

Seriously, I am. Not your regular, snap out of it funk, but it looks like we are going to be best buds kind of funk. I deny it constantly, avoid it at other times and then there are times when I try to smother it by being loud and obnoxious. However there is a point in time when there is no denying or smothering or avoiding, there is a point in time when you have to face the music and say "I am in the freakin funk."

Honestly, I don't like who I am nor what I am doing in life. This wouldn't be that much of a problem since I have had it since youth, but this time I don't have any clue whatsoever on how to induce that change. There are no possible routes of change and it seems that I am stuck, or maybe this means that I need a greater scope of change.

I feel limited and choked, with no prospects of rain or even a thunder storm.

The strange thing is I am not depressed. I know depressed, been there, lived there for years. The black hole, the attitude of I am in a ditch so deep I can no longer see the surface. I am not in the ditch. This is not depression. Instead, I am suspended in some kind of floating realm and I can't seem to be able to move very much (even though I am floating).

My funk is functional (much like the depression was), so el 7amd le Allah.

Another way of describing it; you know when you have something in your throat and you keep swallowing so that you would get it down. Or that feeling you get when you want to suppress anger. Yes, that thing at the top of your chest that hangs like a fur ball and it seems to be hanging on for dear life. I have this all the time now.

I always know something is wrong when for no reason I become excessively cold. I am never cold, not even in winter. Or better yet, I like being cold. It doesn't bother me. However, today I was freezing; my whole body was a brick of ice and it was actually hurting. By the afternoon I was back to normal temperature, but only when the funk manifested itself.

You know what I am craving? Being secluded some place where people don't speak my language, a place with a lot of walking prospects, doing some menial job (menial and yet delightful in its simplicity) and just stay there for a few months. I know that some may say that this is escapism and that I should face things. However, after reviewing my life, I have been facing everything that came my way and admitting to it and confronting it. So, I think I should just disappear for a while, not give a damn and stop resisting. Just lay low for a little while. One aspect of the situation is that I don't really know how to do that, the other aspect is I don't really have enough money to do anything like that and the last aspect is that I am pretty sure my family would be against it. Well, dreams, huh?

Anyway, so that's about it. I really wish that everyone feels better than this, I wouldn't wish this on my enemies.

4 comments:

healess said...

Have I ever mentioned how much I love you *and* your blog?

Seriously, you are quite amazing .. And I'm sure you will snap out of it soon :) or you can learn and fall in love with your funk! I know I have xD My funk is now part of me, and is as awesome :D

Hugs much??
:*

Ze2red said...

I relate BIG time, and it's been a while i wanted to write something like that, but words didn't serve me.

Sina said...

@Hea: You're so sweet and amazing yourself ;) thanks for the sweet comment.

Hugs :D

@ze2red: well, I am not happy that you share this awful state.
Yet, on another different note, eh el 3amal?

Ze2red said...

I know exactly what i should do, yet i'm not doing it :(

if you want to know more: http://ze2red.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-should-be-done-eh-el-3amal.html

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