Thursday, October 14, 2010

Ambiguous but present

There was a certain anxiety and nervousness associated with it; there was nothing out of the ordinary associated with the announcement, nothing to indicate a change in the current status quo, but still the fear seeped in and infiltrated every crook and cranny of the conscious and subconscious. Sleep became an impossibility; wished for, but never attained. Different scenarios were played out, all of which were that of a negative and eerie nature; there was a great apprehension of falling; having been victimized by it before, it wasn't a pleasant notion. Vertigo has never been an issue, but the fall's hardest part was the reemergence and rehabilitation. The memories of it entailed great struggle and suffering; unshed tears, unmentioned pain, stifled cries and half-hearted laughs. Thus, the fear continued, the anxiety worsened and scenarios were more vicious; there was no solution and no comfort, only the slow living out of those thoughts; the sweet agony of hope and the soul-awakening associated with great fear.
The mundane time had to be spent and lived despite the absence of the mind as it prepared for the worst that could possibly occur. Everything seemed superficial and irrelevant; tasks were done in an orderly fashion, but not in one of enthusiasm, calls were answered in a tone of respect, but lacked interest, people were greeted with friendliness, but without familiarity. Time passed,but it's effect lingered as it brought it closer and closer to the present, when it had been in the future.
It came bearing all the simplicity of the world; nothing of it could have called eerie or uncomfortable; there was a familiarity that comforted and entertained. A pleasant atmosphere and simple words uttered with ease; friendly fires lit and extinguished with hearty laughs and gentle smirks. Senses awoken into the realization of bliss and the need for continuity prevailed, but the caution of the mind prevented it. Gifts of knowledge presented themselves and proved to be more significant than any other; generating a sense of felicity that was greatly lost. It wasn't that the worst failed to materialize or the bad was tolerable; it was the surprise that only good was present and nothing else. Realism prevented the elation to dominate and it was replaced with simple contentment and mediocre satisfaction. The journey of return was bittersweet as it signaled that soon everything will end, but pleasant in its serenity and the utter sense of security that overpowered and controlled.
The aftermath was that of celebration and gaiety; endorphines colored all thoughts, making them seem happy, comforting and lovable. A flush of rosiness seemed dominant and it was honestly welcomed, despite the knowledge of it being short-lived. It ended abruptly, leaving the mind craving more, but utterly disappointed when none was given. Then numbness ensued and boredom stained life as normal days seemed greatly unsatisfying and nights overly hostile and lacking. It was the ultimate bitterness that followed wholesome sweetness; expected, but never welcomed.

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