Yesterday, I took on the job of cleaning and organizing my room, which was abandoned for nearly a year and half except for the usual cleaning.
My desktop computer was unhooked and completely ridden with dust and it took nearly an hour for me to get everything together, connected, working and dust-free. However, I discovered that the computer has a fatal virus on it and I can't find my network usb that links the computer to the wireless network at home. So, I need to make a nice trip to Compume and buy a new (and hopefully better) one, but I need to backup my files first (if the virus lets me).
Next, was my closet, I got rid of clothes that I haven't worn in years, along with shoes and sneakers. I also discovered that my shoe-cupboard (yes I have one of those) needs fixing or getting rid of. I cleaned the shelves and then put in my clothes that I actually use. I put the winter clothes in storage and I even got rid of a few items that held "sentimental" value like my first pair of fancy shoes and another pair that I wore to my first symphony at the Opera. That was only the 1st closet, there's still so much to be done, but I preferred to postpone it to the following weekend (which usually means next summer).
I also got rid of empty boxes that I stored for "sentimental" reasons, along with old bank statements that were unopened, some papers from my previous work and things related to the horrid company that I've worked in for a year and a half (longest time ever and will not happen again).
I still need to arrange my books in my bookshelf, find a place to put my shoes and get rid of political papers that I has since 2007 when I took the diplomat's exam and failed miserably.
The thing is when I cleaned my room, things sort of fell into place. I understood so much about my life from getting rid of things I no longer need; the mistakes, the time-wasting and the fact that I really have been just slamming myself against the invisible walls of life. So, I will make a summary;
My childhood and teenage: I had a happy childhood and a crappy adolescence. As a child, I was well protected and I belonged to my family more than anything outside of home. I was the child who liked to play at home, who hated going outside and would often be aggressive to outsiders. I wasn't a great student, an average one, and although I liked Mathematics, I wasn't really a genius at it. I just like a challenge. As a teen, I was silent most of the time, no real friends to speak of and most of my time at school was spent wondering alone or reading Shakespeare. I went through phases of goth, girly and tomboy.
The diplomat's exam in 2007: a total waste of time and effort, I don't even like politics and I am not calm enough to be diplomatic. I am confrontational and I am not sly, I like to tell people what I think when I think it and more often than not people see me as aggressive. I am also not social( by choice) and I can't do small talk. The one thing I actually like about the job is the traveling, but that is not as frequent as I would like, they stay 4 years in the same country.
Breaking my leg in 2008: I hated the pain, but loved the fact that I could handle it, that I wasn't a wimp, that I didn't cry or used the inability to move for sympathy. I loved my attitude and the fact that I knew I could be brave. I loved looking at the scar from the operation and showing it to people. I also loved the fact that I was awake during the surgery. I hated the fact that it brought anguish to my parents and they felt guilty even though I was the one who's responsible for it.
Working for a multinational for a year and a half: I hated the deceit and the lying and covering up. I hated that people would just act as if they value you when they know you're not worth anything. I hated my stupid boss. I hated the fact that I was working on a project that has no real value, but people kept working on it because the guy upstairs said so (the guy who worked on the same project with me quit after I quit). I hated the work and I couldn't see myself working there. I hated the fact that I had my first brush with sentiments and the dreaded L-word there and I wish it never existed (So, no, I don't want to be in L). I hated everything that was annoying and the fact that people sized each other up and gossiped about each other and then smiled when they met.
I did like the training part and the fact that it was unpredictable and fun (I like instability-how insane is this). I got a few friends from there, so that's not bad. I liked the fact that the office was clean and well-lit, the salary was nice. I liked the fact that I got to travel with the money I made; I got to see three great countries and have fantastic memories.
Now: I am trying to figure out things and repair whatever I broke during the past years of my life. I am trying to become a better person and although I am not crazy about my current job, it's something that keeps me busy until I decide what I want to do with my existence. A lot of people don't understand why I am confused, but I have spent my whole life running away from myself, so I am just getting to know myself. I know I am a bit late, but better late than never. I might not ever decide, but it's my life and so everyone else can just got to hell.
I am not fuzzy wuzzy, I don't like kids and I am not your typical girl, but I am what I am and that's all that I am.