A controlled mess

I was thinking that I prefer a controlled mess than messy control. In fact, I can probably say that I despise inconsistent authority or unknowing actions. If you're not sure of something, say so, don't go on acting as if you do know something when you don't.
I want to be optimistic and positive, but today (especially after a much unneeded outburst at work), I find it quite difficult. I don't find it in my capacity to make anybody feel better and I don't find it in my capacity to actually do a simple thing as smile. I am not depressed, but I am quite angry. Yesterday's outburst (which is much regretted) has shown that in fact I am harboring hostile feelings that have been suffocated for the past period and I don't know the source of these hostile feelings and I am too angry to care.
I keep reminding myself to breathe, but I keep on forgetting. The coming two days aren't delightful, but must be done. And so, with a heavy heart, a raging mind and numb feet I go on with my undefined life and pray that maybe someday, there shall be definition and I wouldn't have to base life-altering decisions on a coin toss.

listening to~Al sawt, al ra2e7a,al shakl - Reem El Banna