Saturday, August 28, 2010

Repulsion

Lately, it's all that I have been experiencing with rare exceptions. The point is, I have worked in two jobs in the last year(+ a freelance one), 5 jobs in the last 3 years and I am still to find a career or a job that speaks to me. Many people say it's not important that you love what you do as long as you're good at it; that you should derive happiness from success, however, I disagree. I am the sort of person who will be entirely dedicated to their work; I am not very social and I don't plan on having a family of my own(except for a chubby green-eyed black cat, whom I shall call Mysty). Thus I shall only have two or three major points of interest in my life; work, whatever exercise I am doing at a certain point in time, family(parents and siblings), friends(whoever will actually continue to be my friend) and cultural experiences(traveling,reading,blogging,etc...). In a nut shell this will be my life, with a great focal point on work since family and friends will moves on with their lives eventually and exercise and traveling will not be enough to fill the void.

How do I see myself in the future?
I don't really have a proper visualization of how things will be or who I shall be or what I am doing. However, I want to be a calm person, something I have failed at achieving so many times I have lost count. I want to be relaxed, not stressed out. Imagine an experienced yogi, who beams with wisdom, yes, that's the way I want to feel and the way I want to live. This reminds me, I really need to visit Tibet, I believe I can learn a lot of things from the monks.
Anyway, I also see my chubby black cat mysty, who's also relaxed and happy from all the food she eats.
I want to live in a house/apartment that I own, no real specifications for the house. I do want it to be small and cozy, a haven, a sanctuary if you may.
I've been to many places and I am a creative person, who people come to for guidance. I don't want to be filthy rich or famous; I just want to have enough money to live comfortably.

The current state:
I am greatly confused as to what to do. My family's support and encouragement are beyond my wildest dreams, for that I am grateful. I don't know how they do it, not getting fed up with my ever constant state of doubt and reluctance, that's in addition to my continuous bursts of anger and temper flairs. They are the greatest. That being said, they're about the only stable thing in my life, not that I am complaining. I don't really care for stability, however, lately the instability have been seeping into my brain, so that making decisions have become a bit of a struggle. I have never had that problem. I have always been decisive and impulsive when it comes to making decisions, but nowadays, I'd make a decision and then take it back or doubt it. The confusion and self doubt are off the charts really.

I pray that God actually TELLS me what to do, because I don't get subtle hints.

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