regarding the last post, thanks to mirage and zandy for their insights.
I think God answered my questions and pondering rather effectively. Last Sunday, I picked up my parents in the morning from the airport; they were in Haj(Pilgrimage). Needless to say, the airport was packed and I was in my usual depressed mood. I have to admit that I treated someone there really badly and felt guilty afterwards (they were stupid, but I had no excuse).
Anyhow, I guess God just couldn't take my stupid attitude anymore. So, Sunday night I slipped on a flight of stairs and my right ankle was broken from the joint. Monday morning, I went to the hospital and had an operation, during which my lower half was completely sedated while I was totally awake (thanks to an epidural). Anyhow, a chip along with six nails were inserted in my right ankle, so that it can heal correctly.
The leg breaking only took 5 seconds and even though it's a strange thing to happen, I'm not feeling depressed at all. Actually for the first time in four years I feel totally normal and grateful. I now know that God actually cares about me, when in the past I thought that He hates me.
I think the defining point was when I was injected with the epidural and the doctor kept telling me to lift my leg (to make sure that the anesthesia is working ), but I couldn't. At that moment I thought that some people are born like that and yet they live their lives and struggle, while I am blessed to have functioning limbs and I'm not grateful. Well, I pray that nobody ever feels helpless like that .
Anyhow, I'm better now and I'm taking baby steps towards recovery both physically and spiritually. It turned out that all I needed was five seconds.