It's not really going

It's been a while, a great while since I had that many self-destructing thoughts and they are coming back full throttle. The only solace is that I think they aren't going to continue for long, or maybe I hope.
I have the feeling that I'm waiting for something, always waiting and I am sick of that; I do not want to wait anymore. We grow up thinking that life is all about a series of exciting events that unravel as we grow older, we see our parents as our perfect heroes and our siblings as our protectors. We believe that when we become like them, we will be invincible; whenever my sisters would annoy me as a child , I would tell them "I will grow up and be as old as you are someday".

Day by day, this feeling of invincibility grows weaker, until it becomes a distant memory along those childhood beliefs deemed impossible, just like the existence of mermaids and water nymphs. I do miss it and resent it at the same time; I feel that maybe if I knew the truth I would have been better prepared for the reality of living, but at the same time this feeling offered comfort to my restless brain.

A lot of people claim that they have no regrets, that if they ever had the chance of repeating their existence, they would do all the same actions and mistakes. I think they are liars; pretenders at best. I don't think there's a human being without regrets and I hate people who make it seem very easy, the act of living. I think the hardest thing in the world, is living and I don't mean breathing, I mean living life to the full, being satisfied with every action you make and understanding that those stupid mistakes are essential.
On another note, hesitation is one those things I despise, that's why I am known for my impulsive decisions, which sometimes explode in my face , thus generating the much unneeded regret.

I have drifted from my path and I don't know where I am going, I only know that I am walking in some shoes that aren't mine.


Xero said…
nobody is walking in his/her own shoes ya Cesario ... nobody
you just have to get the max out of your current life not pursue another one !
Cesario said…
I understand that's what we should do, but don't you think it's a bit cowardly?
Shouldn't we explore the possibilities of our lives, especially that we're still young enough to do so.

I feel that I didn't fight enough for the life I should have, or even that I missed my fight.

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